When I'm King
7/6/2009When I'm King of the Racing World...
Any TV announcer who says "weather" when what he/she really means is "rain" will be forced to hold an umbrella over Michael Waltrip for 55 hours.
Any driver who says he/she is "excited about" or "looking forward to" the next race will be banned from the media center for one month.
Any promoter who fakes a controversy to try to sell tickets will be forced to give away 10,000 tickets to local youth organizations.
Any broadcaster who says a driver must do something "if he wants to win" will have to prove, to a high journalistic standard, that there's a legitimate reason to think that driver might NOT want to win.
Any driver who carelessly misses or overshoots his/her pit area must get out and change his/her own tires.
Any crew chief who tells an interviewer he "hopes" his car is good enough to win will have to serve as mechanic for Kenny Wallace at Slinger Speedway.
Any sportswriter whose race story doesn't include the margin-of-victory will be sent for basic training to the Rocky Mountain News.
Any fan who buys cartoon-character race clothing will have to wear it to their children's wedding.
Any driver who doesn't say "thank you" when signing for fans at an autograph session loses his sponsor.
Any spectator who throws anything on the track, for any reason, will have to take up croquet.
If every network televising NASCAR doesn't try to hire Jeff Gordon for the broadcast booth within one hour of his retirement, they will be forced to show the IRL.
If a driver's girlfriend argues with another driver's wife or girlfriend about something that happened on the track, she must watch the rest of the season not from the pits, but from the Snakepit.
If a speedway doesn't have a concession stand selling pizza, soft-serve ice cream and cotton candy at reasonable prices, it will be required to relocate to Uzbekistan.
If anyone tries to launch another spec car series, they will be sunk into Lake Lloyd.
If Jimmie Johnson isn't voted into the NASCAR Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility, the building will be turned into a Goodwill store.
If a parent doesn't put hearing protectors on their children at a race, they will be forced to attend 10 NASCAR RaceDay shows.
If Kenny Bernstein can't find a decent sponsor, drag racing won't be taken seriously as a sports marketing vehicle.
If a celebrity is listed as a team owner, he/she must actually have a significant financial investment in the organization.
If Formula One wishes to continue, the series must have races in the United States and Canada.
If Dale Earnhardt Jr. doesn't win at least two Cup races in any season, he will be required to compete in 10 Truck events the following year.
[ Next column: July 20]
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(I.N. Sider is the pen name for an independent motorsports business-person who has a quarter-century of professional experience working in almost every major North American racing series. The writer is not an employee of Valvoline or Ashland Inc. The column is intended to inform, entertain, and stimulate thought on the contemporary motorsports scene. The opinions expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of Valvoline or Ashland Inc.)
BackAbout I.N. Sider
I.N. Sider is the pen name for an independent motorsports business-person who has a quarter-century of professional experience working in almost every major North American racing series. The writer is not an employee of Valvoline or Ashland Inc. The column is intended to inform, entertain, and stimulate thought on the contemporary motorsports scene. The opinions expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of Valvoline or Ashland Inc.